Background

I was raised in an atheist household. My parents never viciously attacked religion the way some people do; there was simply no mention of religion or religious figures in our house that I can recall. I don't think my parents went out of their way to intentionally do this. Religion simply had nothing to do with them, and why talk about something you have no interest in?

When I started kindergarten, we did not live in a good school district, so my parents enrolled me in a conservative, non-denominational Christian school. It was for me to get a good education rather than religion. I didn't really understand the Christianity thing at first. During my first week, it occurred to me to ask another kid who this "God" guy was. He answered by snapping at me that I was going to Hell. Wherever that was. A month or so later, I raised my hand during story time and asked if we were EVER going to read out of another book, because I was getting tired of this Jesus character. The teacher took me aside for a little talking-to, and it was at this point that I started to understand that these stories were different from the others I had read, and it was the first time I realized that these stories were "true" and not just for entertainment. A couple of years later, I repented, asked Jesus to be my savior, and all that jazz. I tried, I honestly did, but I could never quite bring myself to believe in the teachings of the Bible. I was never able to accept the Christian story of Jesus as fact, and I told myself over and over again that there was a God out there just like the Bible said, but in the dark recesses of my heart, I never quite bought it. I finally came to terms with this when I was twelve or so.

A year or so earlier, my parents had found a spiritual center they were comfortable going to. My father was becoming more spiritual, and Creative Life Spiritual Center was the nearest "church" that was open-minded and open-ended enough to suit us. The center is based on the teachings of the American philosopher Ernest Holmes, who wrote a huge tome entitled "The Science of Mind" in the 1930s. From this book, the religion of the same name took form, and from that belief system, Creative Life was born. The coolest thing about Science of Mind is that it is compatible with almost any belief system. It has its roots in Christianity, but there are some fundamental differences. One problem I had always had with Christianity was the idea that there is one, and only one, way to correctly believe. Any deviation from that one way was a one-way ticket to Hell. I had a problem with any belief system that stated that a man who was born in China and followed Buddhism while living a very generous, virtuous, moral life was doomed to Hell. And what about the Native Americans who lived in the Americas after Jesus had died but before the Christian world knew they were there? It didn't seem fair for them to be damned because of where they happened to be born. Science of Mind is very accepting of all forms of belief and gives thought and consideration to all of them. The church was not necessarily a place to get answers, but a place to find answers for yourself. I love the church, but it's still on me to find the answers for myself. So I searched some more.

In junior high, I predictably picked up a book on Witchcraft. No, not eye of newt and tongue of dog witchcraft, but the New Age religion, Wicca. I spent a few years researching Wicca and identified as Wiccan for a short while, but it was always more playacting than actually believing in any of the stuff. Some ideas from Wicca still hold strong appeal to me, however. I love the idea of a sacred feminine, and I love the freedom of belief that this system holds. I'm skeptical about whether it does any good to run around naked in a circle in the woods, and I feel that all of the ceremony involved in practicing Wicca is silly and unnecessary. I concluded that I had learned some good things about myself and spirituality, but it was time to move on.

After I concluded that Wicca was not for me, I took a break from my search and went off to college, partied hard, and was not very concerned with spirituality. At all. I cleaned up my act when I got pregnant two and a half years ago, and I started itching for some answers again. The last few months, I have been feeling kind of blue (I've gone through periods of depression before, and one thing has always helped; visiting Creative Life, the spiritual center my parents started taking me to when I was eleven), so yesterday, I went to Creative Life and realized how much I need to have spirituality of some kind in my life. I have decided that it is time for me to start seeking out spirituality again. I no longer think that I can find the answers I want in a week or a month or a year. I'm not sure I can even find them in my lifetime. Now, however, I think that the answer is not necessarily the point of asking these questions. Maybe the journey is what is more important. So I am going to write this blog to document my journey on this road, to record my thoughts, experiences and beliefs. Thank you for coming on this journey with me.